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2020勳章


發表於 20-9-18 02:04 |顯示全部帖子
小菜豆 發表於 20-9-17 13:39
I See..我而家大概知道亞保嘅同理心, 唔似一般人即時用情感釋放, 而係留待需要時用行動表現出來。
...
這點也是我同理心的散發之處。最近有親友住的地區有天然災難,他們都各自預備隨時散離家園。我在電話聽到友人與我先生和其他共同朋友講,又聽到我先生說能打開我們家做她隨時的避難所。我要等到一日之後才醒起我的親戚也是住在同一災區,才想到我也要打電話給那親戚,讓他們知道我和先生的家能當他們隨時的避難所。
若要我即時說上甚麼安慰同理心的說話,我就沒有這種能力。
但我能慢慢地想起自己過去的經歷與別人的經歷分享而有走難的同理心。而想到當事人的需要。我過去也經歷過懷孕著8個月大的在肚子裡,因天災而要走難,帶住父母,兩歲的大女,前夫。
Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown


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2020勳章


發表於 20-9-18 07:35 |顯示全部帖子
小菜豆 發表於 20-9-17 13:34
"睇,我乜都有帶齊,幾掂!"->係喎, 我老公又係好鐘意認叻挑機
妳先生真係有修養, 仲話妳話得咁隱晦
亞保的「認叻」的動機未必是要證明叻過人,不是競爭性的認叻。起碼我的出發點就不是。
我為何如此分析我自己?
邏輯理據:亞保是自我中心,凡事都從自己出發來看,名乎其實的「目中無人」,何來有動機與人相比較呢。過於他人這種虛榮對於我(們)亞保來說根本沒有功用於價值。
那出發點是甚麼?
可以分好幾個層面來分析因果關係:
我一時不知如何造句表達才說得清。
1. 我的完美主義傾向(是亞保的一種症狀),很不滿結果有出錯,一旦發現自己的所做的結果沒有出錯就有喜出望外的滿意,情不自禁地給自己一個讚。
2. 我需要讓願意照顧我,跟我一齊住的人知道我不是在白佔土地的,我是能帶給她/他功用的。希望他們認知留我的好處,請不要丟下我不管。
3. 我還是很小孩子。亞保在人際關係方面的發展遲緩症,如同一個小朋友很想得到父母的關注,於是常對父母說:「媽媽,爸爸,睇下我做咗啲乜嘢!」
4. 我的亞保兒童時代,由於其怪異的social interaction, 常不得大人們的喜愛。常聽到大人們讚其他同齡的老表,同學,朋友,就是甚少聽到別人讚自己的,自知自己在別人眼中不如人,但從來不影響到自己如何看自己,認為沒有需要同人比或競爭的。只是平心向著別人眼中何謂標準的界定來達標。因此一看到自己達到其他人的標準,便會向那人或有關人指出:「睇下,自己已經達到你或他們的標準了。」
我向我先生指出,我甚麼也有帶,準備功夫很達到他的要求。因為過去他層言語上表示他的前妻露營露了帶睡袋,害得他為保護她不受涼而自己在外攬住她捱凍睡過夜。我知道他有陰影。所以特別欣賞自己沒有就範。
我想你老公給你指出他在生計方面達到你們以前教會朋友眼中的成績,所以特別指出來給你看而已。至於其他用詞而被誤解,可能是亞保不善表達自己而已。
Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown


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積分: 11106

2020勳章


發表於 20-9-18 10:43 |顯示全部帖子
本帖最後由 小菜豆 於 20-9-18 10:54 編輯
858D 發表於 20-9-18 07:35
亞保的「認叻」的動機未必是要證明叻過人,不是競爭性的認叻。起碼我的出發點就不是。
我為何如此分析我自 ...

妳分析都應用到c6
(1) "很不滿結果有出錯,一旦發現自己的所做的結果沒有出錯就有喜出望外的滿意"
->yes 無論件事是否容易做, 只要效果完美, 其實佢都特別開心。佢係焦點於件事零瑕疵。


(3)" 亞保在人際關係方面的發展遲緩症,如同一個小朋友很想得到父母的關注,於是常對父母說:「媽媽,爸爸,睇下我做咗啲乜嘢!」"
->都係。佢係會同比佢資深嘅人分享, 就好似要得到長輩認同。例如買到筍盤, 就同有炒樓經驗嘅叻人或地產討論, 因為呢d人才知道佢當中如何運籌帷幄, 有曬策略同理戰術。因此一般冇投資經驗, 踏實打工的朋友不是他傾訴對象。


(4) "從來不影響到自己如何看自己,認為沒有需要同人比或競爭的。只是平心向著別人眼中何謂標準的界定來達標" ->都啱, 佢好介意別人對佢評價, 但係又話向難度挑戰係自我滿足。又介意別人又話自我挑戰, 原本覺得佢自雙矛盾。而家聽妳分析就明。以香港置業係艱難為例, 呢個係人所共知, 而佢挑戰到呢個難度上到車, 就係一項佢能力的證明。並非向人炫耀財富。


妳同我c6真係好似, 妳開口埋口都講生計,確保另一半可以養妳過世... 佢就常常話開源節流, 叫我搵多份part-time, 積谷防饑...為養老打算...普通人去睇你地, 都有一份莫名對將來嘅不安全感。又要將不安全感嘅填補推向另一半。你地就一直有呢個思維, 唔關價值觀事, 成長背景可能小小影響... 但係更多係你地本人嘅mindset。


妳同我老公腦部結構好似


公爵府

積分: 28854

2020勳章


發表於 20-9-18 12:49 |顯示全部帖子
小菜豆 發表於 20-9-18 10:43
妳分析都應用到c6
(1) "很不滿結果有出錯,一旦發現自己的所做的結果沒有出錯就有喜出望外的滿意"
->yes ...
次次看妳的回應都看得我很開心。難得有妳能對到我講嘅入座。因為妳亦見到妳C6呢個實質人版。
我都好鍾意將妳在妳C6同我身上觀察到嘅跟我先生分享。希望也能增進佢對我嘅了解。
有時我先生畀我嘅感覺係,佢其實唸佢唔需要了解我思維這麼深入,只要了解到夠佢用就得了。
無論點,在此同你就傾過,我動過腦筋分析過,日後有需要時,我也有個準備在我先生面前為我自己澄清我的出心設置,預防我先生對我有的誤會。

Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown


子爵府

積分: 11106

2020勳章


發表於 20-9-18 13:14 |顯示全部帖子
858D 發表於 20-9-18 12:49
次次看妳的回應都看得我很開心。難得有妳能對到我講嘅入座。因為妳亦見到妳C6呢個實質人版。
我都 ...

Me too...雖然越來越發現現今世代亞保為數不少, 但係冇諗過妳同c6 mindset咁似...
心思極度細密...
即使阿仔遺傳咗亞保, 但係佢明顯走另一路線, 唔似daddy


公爵府

積分: 28854

2020勳章


發表於 20-10-14 12:53 |顯示全部帖子
本帖最後由 858D 於 20-10-14 12:54 編輯

回覆 dayedaye 的帖子

Today, I get my Sir husband's response to some questions about....
how my Sir husband manage the family matters with me and how he talks to me and get his idea through me?
How my Sir get me to understand people's 2nd meaning of what they say.
How to cope with my routine life style?

From Sir,
Dealing with autistic spouse is difficult. For me it is like having another child in the house. She is capable of doing many things and is very good at maintaining our house, cooking our meals, doing the laundry and cleaning. These are her looping things. When it comes to new things or tasks that are outside of her normal routine it is challenging. I have to be very patient and give her directions. I also have to accept the fact that it will take her longer to do it. I resit the urge to do it for her because I can do it faster. I remind myself "I cannot do everything." There are some tasks she is better at because it does not bother her. For example, when calling the insurance company to get answers. It can take many phone calls and many hours of waiting to get answers. I get impatient and give up, but she is good at this task and continues to call and wait as long as necessary. In the end, she was able to do this hard task when I was not. It helps in our relationship to identify what each person is capable of and assign tasks that fit each person.

Regarding the communication with the in-laws, that is more difficult. Depending on the autistic type they may not be able to understand second meanings of sentences. For many, it is just not a concept they know. But for some it can be learned. My nephew has Aspergers and could not recognize faces. Happy, sad, angry or content, they all look the same to him. With some books and a teacher he was able to learn what faces mean and that has helped him in his job. My wife does not understand body language. How a person stands, the direction they are facing, how close they are all tell you something about that person's thoughts. I have been helping her with this and after an event with friends we will sit and talk. I will say 'did you notice how she turn her legs to be closer to the man. That means she is comfortable with him. If she turn them away, that means she is not comfortable with him.' It is like have small school room talk after we interact with people. Over time this has helped her learn about people and it is helped me learn how to communicate with her in a way she understands.

I have learned it takes a lot of patience to be with an autistic person. You also have to learn to be flexible because autistic people usually are not flexible. If I explain something and my wife does not understand, I say "we can talk again soon." I will take time to think of a different way to explain it. It can take several times until she does. This is where the patience it really important. I also remind myself that she loves me. Sometimes her attitude appears like she does not care. But that is never true. I know she loves me. But how she shows she loves me is very different from most people. Often when it appears she does not care, it is that she does not understand. One time I asked her, "Do you still love me?" She said, "I don't know." Most people would be hurt by that. But I know she needs to think about it. Three days later she says, "I thought about it and I love you." It was sweet that she thought about it for three days.

It is also important to build a support system that is not centered around an autistic person. In a sense, you are the parent and so you can have a good relationship with them, love them and get happiness from them, but the autistic person may not be able to give you the emotional support you need when you really need it. I have friends and sisters who I can talk to and are very supportive. I have also learned that when I am down I can ask her for things to tell her to do things I need to feel better. She may not recognize my emotions and figure out what I need on her own, but she is will to do things that help my emotion when I ask for them. That is a big difference in autistic relationship, you are the 'parent' you will have to ask for what you need in a way they will understand.

I have had depression for years before I met my wife. I have learned that good self-care habits are important, even when you are in a good relationship with a loving, neuro-typical partner. So it is even more important with an autistic partner. Eat healthy, get sleep, get outside for walks, find things, people and activities that give you energy rather than drain energy. For me I enjoy teaching and mentoring people. That is very rewarding for me and even though it is a lot of work I always feel good after. I also enjoy building and fixing things around the house. Having good self care routine is very important for my emotional health.

Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown


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2020勳章


發表於 20-10-14 15:08 |顯示全部帖子
It’s amazing that your husband put a lot of efforts in understanding you(emoji)

You are a lucky lady(emoji)


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2020勳章


發表於 6 天前 |顯示全部帖子
小菜豆 發表於 20-10-21 07:49
回覆 858D 的帖子

之前妳話前夫經濟考慮,搬到偏遠的地方,而家又搬返黎?

我猶疑不決應該在此標題下講自己嘅故事好呢?還是在別人的標題下離題講呢?結果我的亞保特質,還是兩度都回你,由你來選擇應該在那一個標題來講這話題吧!
這裏我加了末段。
Yes. 佢話乜就係乜。之前,憑我對佢過去嘅歷史數據,表現同成績分析,已經好懷疑搬到偏遠地方對經濟方面嘅得失係咪真係咁有正面影響?由於一向我唔明佢條數點計,而且我太委婉,無能指證佢嘅失策。佢每次失策都睇唔到衰咗,跌咗落地就拎翻一手沙來畀我,仲話係好嘢,有得著。如果我當時反對佢搬,佢留0係度到時好快使曬我啲谷種就賴我當時好唔支持佢搬。佢又會將失策嘅責任歸於我。我問我自己精神情緒上還能擔當得起這罪嗎?實在擔不起,唯有放生佢。
現在佢話嗰樹冇親友依靠,疫情隔離生活,佢無能買到對佢身體健康嘅食物。由於我先生能力高,我同我先生不單只可以好獨立,而且還有餘力照顧我身邊一大堆無能嘅親友。佢咪搬翻來沾我嘅福囉。
我先生具有號召力,一呼百應。
我前夫相反,蚊子咁細聲。佢0係嗰邊,病咗都搵唔到人接送佢去睇病。搬翻到來住我哋隔離,佢好多嘢都靠到我先生同我,就同我講原來合共我哋嘅資源,佢節省到開支,結果同嗰邊生活嘅開支一樣。我如常以默言做回應。心想:我一早就已經係咁計條經濟數啦。但如果我講佢一定唔同意加上死撐。當時佢要搬已經斬釘折鐵地告訴我:「沒有商量餘地」。係都要上屋搬下屋,唔見我一籮谷,現在來回搬兩次,就唔見我兩籮谷!親友都唔信佢搬翻來純係佢口講嘅為咗食,竟然同我講,「佢係唔係已經使曬你啲錢,所以要搬翻來癡你哋嘛?」我回:「佢係咁講,我咪係咁信囉。」親友見我咁理解我前夫,就「茄」「茄」笑。
知唔知,就因為佢話要搬翻來就搬,搞到我哋要趕走一位90歲老婆婆同佢個有嚴重糖尿病嘅兒子租客走,就係畀佢翻來有地方住?老婆婆還想住我間屋住到死呢。我前夫仲好意思係我面前投訴話租客偏心對我和我先生特別讚賞同有好感,就係認為佢係醜人。我唯有客觀咁分析畀佢知:「我同我先生同佢地嘅互動係佢哋有求我哋必應,而且有能力辦到同人消災解難嘅,咁當然討好人啦。我見到你次次同佢地互動就係追收租,佢哋想咁整間屋你又唔畀,咁嘅對比,人哋嘅心情係咪好唔同?我知,咁唔代表你冇我哋咁好,我唔會因為老婆婆嘅偏心就影響我對你嘅好評價。」咁講先收到我前夫把聲。間屋即使係我獨自賺錢,我嘅credit向銀行借貸買,但我都同租客講我前夫係業主,佢話乜就乜。面,我係畀足我前夫有餘。


佢搬翻到來,仲話我唔尊重佢。佢真係揀錯人來計較喔。竟然同我呢個亞保來計較,咱浪費佢精神,白白谷氣啦。呢個又係一筆我想講嘅。佢憑甚麼認為佢值得感受到被我尊重呢?我是尊重他的,親友都說我順服,聽話,錫佢,照顧佢。我從來不反對,或左右佢嘅選擇。我再三問我先生,我前夫是否也是個亞保?我先生已再三回我,「他不是亞保」。

Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown


子爵府

積分: 11106

2020勳章


發表於 6 天前 |顯示全部帖子
858D 發表於 20-10-21 13:47
回覆 小菜豆 的帖子

我猶疑不決應該在此標題下講自己嘅故事好呢?還是在別人的標題下離題講呢?結果我的亞 ...

妳前夫都冇"亞保"嘅能力和理性。可能有d智慧, 但沒有執行力。
而且, 佢情感應該比較豐富及負面, 自尊心重嘅人。
反正佢功能就只係湊大妳D女...


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積分: 28854

2020勳章


發表於 6 天前 |顯示全部帖子
本帖最後由 858D 於 20-10-21 14:57 編輯
小菜豆 發表於 20-10-21 14:38
妳前夫都冇"亞保"嘅能力和理性。可能有d智慧, 但沒有執行力。
而且, 佢情感應該比較豐富及負面, 自尊心重 ...

嘩!我前夫真係畀妳講到應曬。佢啲注重感受大過現實嘅人,呢方面同我呢種亞保真係相反。但係佢唔認佢係咁喔!
Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown


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積分: 11106

2020勳章


發表於 6 天前 |顯示全部帖子
858D 發表於 20-10-21 14:56
嘩!我前夫真係畀妳講到應曬。佢啲注重感受大過現實嘅人,呢方面同我呢種亞保真係相反。但係佢唔認佢係咁 ...
佢嘅情感能夠照顧埋女兒感受嘛, 也是優點。
不過亞保將情感放得好低, 唔重視, 因為不能當飯食。


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2020勳章


發表於 6 天前 |顯示全部帖子


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2020勳章


發表於 5 天前 |顯示全部帖子
小菜豆 發表於 20-10-21 15:06
佢嘅情感能夠照顧埋女兒感受嘛, 也是優點。
不過亞保將情感放得好低, 唔重視, 因為不能當飯食。
妳有睇得準喔,妳同我先生睇到我前夫嘅優點一樣。今晚,我先生先係我面前讚我前夫當了一個很好的父親,為女兒樹立了一個模範 FTM 的榜樣。
因為我講開大女大個結婚後想當FTM。我預計大女唔會懂得揀人嫁來成全她的夢想FTM的婚姻生活。佢娘親我不單只不會揀,而且揀咗個同我爭做FTM 的 FTD。
Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown


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積分: 11106

2020勳章


發表於 4 天前 |顯示全部帖子
858D 發表於 20-10-22 11:53
妳有睇得準喔,妳同我先生睇到我前夫嘅優點一樣。今晚,我先生先係我面前讚我前夫當了一個很好的父親,為女 ...

基於妳同我C6相似思維,
我估到有D價值觀其實很重要,
由其是同理心, 或別人關心感受方面, 妳前夫可能好好, 足夠照顧女兒。
而妳又忽略。這些價值對妳而言不夠實際, 不值一提。
因此妳前夫在妳心目中能力低就如我c6覺得我蠢一樣。


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2020勳章


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小菜豆 發表於 20-10-23 16:33
基於妳同我C6相似思維,
我估到有D價值觀其實很重要,
由其是同理心, 或別人關心感受方面, 妳前夫可能好好, ...
我信妳講嘅,就係咁嘅情況。don't need to take it personal. 我身邊一班親友,我都係咁睇佢哋。但不會影響我對佢哋嘅好。
Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own  ~ H. Jackson Brown

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