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Very upset but can’t find a good listener


別墅

國民生產總值:731


發表於 06-8-4 16:33 |顯示全部帖子

Very upset but can’t find a good listener

We have been together for almost 20 years and have 2 kids now with 4 & 2. My husband is hard working, responsible and extremely loyal to the family. He doesn’t smoke, drink or play video games spend most of the leisure time with the family. We never have financial worries at all.

When all seems to be perfect, yet we still have problems in relationships with our own family. Like most of mama here, I was strongly prejudiced by my parents-in-law. I think our conflicts mainly arise from the difference in our character and religion. They are extremely traditional parents who like to control all things re their kids, besides, luckily, their kids (incl. my husband) has quite good financial backgrounds now, they were heavily spoiled by my husband’s siblings. It even make them more picky on me. I am financially independent but so far, I have tried my very best (although sometimes very reluctantly) to maintain a not-too-bad relationship with them cos I realized that a bad relationship with them will ultimately ruin my relationship with my husband.

My husband is a very traditional and conservative man. Unlike me, he is quite and self-protect very much. I think it was inherited from his parents, he never told me the history or any affairs about his own family, I was very upset at the beginning but accepted now. Owing to his character, he is always very passive when attending my own family’s activities. Myself, or even my family, sometimes was very embarrassed by his attitude and behavior. I usually mad for this but I really can’t help.

The core of the issue is we’ve booked a 2 days trip on 25/26 for my own family in Disney HK and another 2 days trip with my mom’s family (incl my brothers’ families) on 12/13 in PRC. However, the trip on 12/13 was cancelled due to no hotel and I suggested changing the destination to Disney on 11/12. I wrongly mix up 11/12 (fri/sat) and 12/13 (sat/sun) and booked all the thing before telling him. He was very unhappy and refuse to take leave on 11 (fri), his excuse is too short notice for a weekday leave. I was so embarrassed and have difficulties in taking care 2 young kids with me to Disney on 11 to meet them. He asked me to take the maid with me to take care the kids. However, it makes me feel even more bad because at the beginning of the July, he took a weekday leave with short notice to take his own brother’s family (who came from US to visit the family) to Disney. I can’t stand with his different standard but he claimed it’s 2 different cases and I should not mix up.

I can't share with anyone and I don know how to settle the issue now.


大宅

國民生產總值:1979


發表於 06-8-4 16:57 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

it's still a week before 11th... how can he make such an unreasonable excuse to you?

i think you should just kindly talk to him & discuss the problem directly.


王國長老

國民生產總值:51758

好媽媽勳章 王國長老


發表於 06-8-4 16:58 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Geoffreymom,

咁你係咪同奶奶地住呢?
如果唔係,呢20年都係咁過,
加上你老公對佢父母咁盲從,
都好難要佢改變既。
有時見少D,又或係選擇性聽見,
咁樣你會容易D。

至於去Disneyland,
其實男人唔係咁enjoy 架咋….
我老公都話一次夠晒皮。
上次你老公D 親友黎香港,
咁佢盡地主之且都應該抽時間既,
因為咁難得親友咁遠水路到HK 嘛。
你老公公司會唔會近排忙行唔開呢?
不如一人讓一步,星期五叫賓姐跟埋去,
你老公放工後夜晚join 你地食飯得唔得呢?


別墅

國民生產總值:731


發表於 06-8-4 17:18 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Thank you so much for your kindness in listening to and sharing with me.

I am not living with my parents-in-law but very near to them. But it think this is not the issue, they won't come to my house if I am at home cos they are "the respectable elders", it should me to visit me in their house. I think up to now I have been get used to their "prejudice".

I only can't stand for my husband's attitude towards my family. I had a feeling that he does not understand and respect the effort that I spent with his own family, he just take it for granted and ignore my feeling. Very disappointed.

Re the Disney trip, yes, I can take my miad with me but I am very upset about this as I am afraid my own family will be a bit embarrassed.


王國長老

國民生產總值:51758

好媽媽勳章 王國長老


發表於 06-8-4 17:48 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Geoffreymom,

唔….你夫家一定係好傳統架喇,
我都明既,我嫲嫲都係咁上下既。
如果佢地只係言語上,又或是太「霸氣」,
而你都習以為常,咁呢個唔係大問題。

反而你老公對你家人既態度…佢一直都係咁?
還是近年先係咁呢?呢樣最難攪。
有時男人耐耐吓就唔想應酬外家,
又或是佢都有不滿,但男人好少同老婆投訴。
有時無話題都可能係佢唔想去既原因,
你既屋企人係指你父母?還是仲有你D 兄弟姊妹?
咁佢地同你老公有無共同話題呢?
如果佢真係join 唔到,你唔使講實話比你父母知架,
同佢地講你老公真係好忙行唔開,好女兩頭瞞嘛。

你有無試過好平心靜氣同你老公傾過?
如果好勞氣最終都會鬧交收場。
不如你同你老公講你既感受,
你都話佢take it for granted,
話比佢知佢咁對你屋企人你會好難過的,
亦同佢講你對佢家人好都係想佢開心,
有時你唔講白D,D 男人真係唔知我地點諗架。



大宅

國民生產總值:3275


發表於 06-8-4 17:59 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

If u have hard feeling about what yr husband did to u n yr family, why u not telling him all these things? I used to accept it too but once I got mad of what he did n told my husband that I was really upset his attitude towards my family. So that he changed for me. U have to tell him directly.


大宅

國民生產總值:1601


發表於 06-8-4 18:15 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

geoffreymom, understand what you feel. for your parents-in-law, it's fine enough as long as you can maintain a fair relationship. u can never change their character...just treat them as friends, pay more respect but keep distance...just do whatever you are happy to do
for your hb, i think your own family should understand him very well coz you've been together for almost 20 years. so, enjoy the disney trip w/ your kids...of course, bring w/ your maid. it's right that men won't enjoy disney too much...once is enouht...don't force him la...maybe he wasn't that busy in July...
think, he's so gentleman to show hospitality to his relatives visiting hk...you're so lucky w/ a good hb...
my husband always keep silent with my own family, too...
don't give yourself too much pressure in making everybody happy.


大宅

國民生產總值:1601


發表於 06-8-4 18:17 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

agree...tell him you'll be happy if he enjoys your family.


別墅

國民生產總值:731


發表於 06-8-4 18:24 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

I think he's the kind of man that feels too close with the wife's family will mean he fears for his wife (I am sorry that i can't express in Cantonese).

My mom's family included my mom and my 2 brothers' families, total 7 persons. In fact, my family is a very causal type family, very different from his. Sometimes when I have conflicts with them, I will share with my husband. I think this is the bigest mistake I made before so he felt my family is quite trouble. But on the other hand, he should know that whenever my family or kids have trouble, it was my mom and my brothers who can help us. Say when my kids are babies, when they are sick or when we have problems with the maid, it was my mom who help to take care of my kids. Even last time our car crash with a bus, it was my brother who help him to resolve the issue. His own family will only blame us for making the trouble for them and have tons of excuses for not helping us. All of my families are financially indenpendent but just help us because they love me (I am the youngest sister at home). And that 's why I feel so sorry and embarrassed to them for his behavior.

I talked to him last nite but he said, unlike July, mid Aug is the busiest time for him due to tax filings. Finally I gave him the last chance, he must rush to meet us after work and stay with us on Sat. My colleagues even ask me to put all the kids' lugguages in his car and ask him to drive to Disney after work. Am i too strict.


別墅

國民生產總值:731


發表於 06-8-4 18:43 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Dear all mama,
Thanks for the time that you spent on my issue and the advice. You know I was so mad last night that I wanted to leave home for few days but stay then since I can't leave and hurt my kids.

BK is a very good place to meet with mama with similar situations and can understand my feelings. We can share freely and I can feel your hearts to me. I told my mom that he is not availble on 11 and my mom even ask me to postpone to 12 but no rooms available. She really treasure the time with us. It even makes me sad.

One more thing, yes, you are right, my family knew my hb's character well and understand my situation. I think they won't mind but, you know, it's just the first time that we have such family overnight outing, I can't understand why he spoil my mood like this.


珊瑚宮

國民生產總值:116121

王國長老


發表於 06-8-4 19:00 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Geoffreymom:

妳唔好唔開心啦, 可能正正因為佢7月先請假黎,而家岩岩8月頭,佢唔好意思咁快又請呢!

再者,工作既人可能要面對既問題係工作量,可能佢上兩個星期都唔忙,但最近就好忙,走唔開,上司會詐型....

換個角度睇, 同自己家人去玩係好開心既事,仲有工人可以幫手, 好幸福呢! 老公去唔到第一日,都可以放工黎join你地呀! 一家人開開心心齊齊整整已經係好好既事~

老爺奶奶方面,人夾人緣,冇乜辦法...總之做好自己本份就可以了,睇開d, 冇一個人可以討好全世界 最重要係家庭關係和諧,夫婦感情融洽


別墅

國民生產總值:572


發表於 06-8-5 11:06 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Geoffreymom,

對唔住, 我既睇法同妳地有d出入. 妳話上個月佢請假倍佢families就得, 今個月請假倍妳families就唔得. 但係妳memtioned 佢果次係佢細佬係美國回港喎, 又點可以相提並論呢 ?? 咁又可以理解喎 !!

我唔係話佢做得岩, 不過我老公都係呢種人, 我屋企既 gathering, 佢一係唔到, 一係最後一分鐘先到, 食完飯就即走人, 十幾年來都係咁, 我家人都接受左佢.

至於佢屋企既 gathering, 我就必到, 冇野架, 我都唔覺得應酬佢屋企人好辛苦, 咁咪冇所謂lor !!

我又唔會嬲佢, 因為人人性格都唔同, 要迫人做d人地唔想做既野, 都會幾唔開心. 係咪 ??

Take it Easy !! 唔好因為咁同老公嘈啦, 人生有幾多個 20年?? 一個愛足妳 20年既老公要好好珍惜呀 !!!


大宅

國民生產總值:1255


發表於 06-8-5 12:36 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Geoffreymom,

我完全好明白你的感受, 因為我同你的情況都好相似.

你的問題唔係冇老公幫手"教"唔"定", 亦都唔係要SHOW下個老公, 而你係好CONCERN個老公的出席, 你好想有個老公係身邊出席一些家庭聚會, 你十分重視個老公, 無論開心唔開心你都想有個老公在你身邊. 你的FAMILY觀念好重, 其實你老公應該好開心至得, 不過佢FEEL唔到, 只是站在自己家人方面想想, 但冇站在你方面想想. 其實我老公都係一樣的, 但是我會同他對抗到底.....最後未只得自己同D小孩去外家到囉~~~

所有的丈夫都是同你個CASE一樣, 不過都有極少數的丈夫可以權衡輕重..又應付到自己屋企人又應付到外家. 其實好在乎自己老公點想.....因為每個老公都會有D唔同.

唔緊要啦個老公唔得閒..未自己"教定"囉, 唔好影響自己同外家玩的心情, 點都好過佢唔比你返外家玩啦...係唔係呀? (我老公之前係好唔想我自己返外家的 )

至於個99及佢的家人....就唔好什麼都同佢地講啦....因為佢地唔幫你反而話返你, 費時比機會佢地閙你啦. 我覺得佢地好個體户(INDIVIDUAL), 一D人情味都冇, 分得好清楚, 你唔好寄望將來佢地可以幫到你D什麼呀!!!!! :cry:

叫個老公放工後JOIN你, 我覺得唔過分呀! :wink: :wink:
露 絲  


別墅

國民生產總值:720


發表於 06-8-6 18:25 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Dear Goeffreymom,

I'm fully understand yr feeling. My husband have same character of yr husband. Anyway, share yr feeling with him & don't put "face" in front of people so big. You go Disney with maid this time & explain to yr family. Make it simple... You can't change a mind of yr husband ... same as me... Don't destroy the relationship of spouse because of the "third" parties ... family members. It's not worth!!! Pls pm me your contact, if you want share more.


Thanks - Connie :lol:
[img align=left]http://lilypie.com/baby2/070904/.png[/img]


別墅

國民生產總值:731


發表於 06-8-7 15:24 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Hi All,
Things will never be perfect. I may need to cancel the hotel stay as my brother informed me that his daughter has to take piano playing exam at noon. I expect he can only arrive at Disney earliest by 3-4pm, therefore, we most likely will miss the parade as well. It makes my position very “lo to” before my HB.

I firstly rejected him to take the maid with me with an intention to force him to join on Fri, also my families promise to help me to take care the kids during the day. However, my HB insisted to have the maid go with me before he comes after work as he does not trust them. We have a bad experience last time with his family that my kids were lost in a Disney shop whilst taking care by his nephews (15 & 12), they were subsequently found in another shop nearby.

My husband asked me to cancel the hotel stay. Instead he can drive to Disney on Sat early morning and spend the whole day there. He said it doesn’t make sense for me and kids to wait for them in Disney until late afternoon on Fri and stay one night there just for the firework show. Also, he’s a bit annoyed that they promised to support me to take care the kids but now cannot come.

My brother said he needs to discuss with my sister-in-law then decided whether to cancel the trip. Things are now getting very complicated !!!!


大宅

國民生產總值:2921


發表於 06-8-7 17:28 |顯示全部帖子

Re: Very upset but can’t find a good listener

Geoffreymom,

小事一宗,再爭持下去,即使你hb就你去了,他也不是真的高興玩了二天,我唸你係希望全家人開開心心咁玩(incl your hb), rather than 你hb因為就你而去,究竟你追求那一種快樂。

感覺你已是一個幸福人,不要自尋煩惱吧!

恕直言


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