Me and my husbund were married just 3 years but we were actually together for 12 years. The life after our marriage makes me very sad. We never have any conversation, he doesn't talk to me about anything. The big things he doesn't tell me cuz he thinks i couldn't help. Small things he thinks he doesn't need to tell me. Everyday I do the same thing. Wake him up in the morning, prepare bath water for him to take bath, prepare tea for him to drink. After he's done bathing, he will come out and go stratight into the computer room. Then he will leave for work. We usually have to go to my 99's place for dinner so after dinner we'll come home and he will go straight into the computer room again to play online games until like 3-4am. He never spend time with me, I have to sleep alone every night. The only time he will sleep with me early is when he wants to have sex. Every Friday he will go out with his friends to drink but he never invites me. He have very bad temper so everytime when i ask him not to go he will "black face" me and ignore me. I've talked to him many many times but he listens and doesn't care about my feelings. Sometimes when I tell him my feelings nicely he will get mad. He said I'm not like his wife because I'm always too tired to have sex with him. Seriously I am tired cuz I have to take care of our very active 2.5 yrs old daughter everyday but the main problem is that because I can't feel he loves me that makes me doesn't want to do it with him. Last week me and my BB were both sick and he doesn't care about us and go out to drink again. In the middle of the night my daughter throw up everywhere but he was drunk in bed didn't even help me. All I need is some love from him, am I asking too much? I'm so die hearted and I wanna divorce. But I've sacrificed my job and everything to take care of my daughter so I'm very worried about my bb and my future. Pls advice me. There were alot more things that he have done that makes me very sad. I'll mention abou those later.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
b9lingling,
First of all, what is his job? you are a full time mami or you have to work?
男人有d是好特別的, 有時我都唔係什麼都同我老婆講的, 因為我會覺得她未必明白我的工作, 另外如果我都覺得煩躁時, 那告訴她也未必能幫到我.
但聽你所講, 他好似比較偏激, 記住離婚亦未必可以solve個問題, 亦可能對小女兒有影響, 必須三思.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
b9lingling,
From what I see, I think he is angry with you as you dont give him sex. I think all men love sex and if you cannot safisfy him, then he revenge on you.
How about dress up very sexy and have a wild sex, then talk to him how you feel. Men are just an animal as they only think work and sex. Satisfy his desire before you ask him for anything return.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
He opens a retail store in Canada Vancouver. We lives in Vancouver. When we first come back here I found a job as a receptionist at a dental office and I loved that job. When we decided to come back he told me he is going to have $$ to hire a helper for me but after I've got a job and everything is settled, he said he doesn't have $$ and wants me to quit my job to take care of the BB. There's alot of things he didn't tell me not just work. When we were still in HK and when I was pregnant 1 mth before my delivery date. One day he told me he quit his job without talking to me. I said this is such a critical moment and we'll need alot of $$ for the baby but he said he has $$ so i don't need to worry. When i ask him how much he never tells me. So I assume he has alot. But after a few mths, he suddenly tells me to quit my job and we have to go back to Canada cuz he have no more $$. I asked him I thought u said u have $$ but he said now I don't so we'll have to go back. He just cares about himself but I think we are a family, no matter what we should talk. He have plans and I have plans too. It's not just his life afterall it's our whole families life. When I ask him stuff he never tells me but when things come up, he'll say I don't understand him.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
I did buy sexy lingeries and tried to do it, but everytime after doing it he will get back to his life again. This makes me so unhappy and somehow I've done so many things but he treats me just like a sex slave. I understand man needs sex in order to trade for love, but when times flies and he's like that, I don't want to do it if I don't fell love in him. I did tried to talk to him nicely after bed but he will not care and once he even said I used sex to force him to do stuff.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
One thing. Even tho I'm very tired every single day but we normally do it like once a week. When he treats me better and I feel better, we'll do it twice a week. Is that still too little?
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
b9lingling,
There is no standard on how many times you should have sex. Do it with feeling or act like a dad cat can make it very different. You are full time wife, right? How you feel so tired everyday? I am working full time and with a daughter 4yrs old, I never refused sex if it comes. It is not a job, in fact, you should be enjoying it.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
b9lingling,
I don't think "sex" is the major issue here. Both of you need more communication and it seems he is the one shutting down the channel.
I think he is very immature because he never thinks of the consquency of doing things. Is he the youngest in he family? My husband sometimes does the same thing. We did talk and he improves a lot.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
It's alot of stress to take care of a child (especially when he/she is very active) 24/7. I used to work before but I feel less stress and less tired when I go to work. He doesn't help me take care of the BB. I do enjoy sex before but when I don't feel any love, it's just fxxking not making love. I love to make love but not a sex slave. I'm not a person in the house that's only worth touching when he have needs. I do think sex is a major part of a relationship but it's not when love doesn't exist.
He is very immature but he is not the youngest in the family. I did tried to talk to him but he will black face me just like i've done something wrong by telling him my feelings. I tried to write him letters but he read it and throw it away in the garbage can without talking to me afterwards or changing anything.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
b9lingling,
All children are active from the parents' eyes. If you are full time mom, is it normal that the hubsand will not help out as he is incharge with outside while you are inside?
If you dont feel the love and dont react during sex, then he will feel the same way and that's why your relationship is getting worse as it is the revenge...this my perception only.
Yes, communication is another issue. Have you ever thought about attitue? From other column, I feel that you are over-react. I hope that is not the same case when you talk to him. All men behave like a child and you cannot shout at them all time. Sometimes soft, sometimes hard. Give them a sweet first if you want them to do something for you.
Have you ever cried in front of him? I guess all men do not like women cry. If that doesnt work, try marriage councellor as I can see there is communication problem between you and your husband. Divorce is not the solution if you dont work hard on your side first.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
My doctor said my daughter is hyper-active, that's why it's really stressful on me.When you say husbund is normal when he doesn't help when I'm in charge the inside and he's working outside. He doesn't take care of bb at the time when I work outside and he plays computer games all day at home with nothing to do either. He gave all the job to the helper when we were in HK. Maybe I'm thinking too much but from my point of view, I think when we decided to have our baby, it's both of our responsibilities to take care of this family. He might think he have alot of stress at work but from what his staff told me, he stays in his office whole day playing computer games also. I have tried all methods to communicate with him, soft, hard, beg, please, letters, everything but he just doesn't care about it. I used to cry alot but I haven't been crying in front of him in the past 3 years. Not one drop of tears. I tried to find a councellor to help us but he refuse to go together. Then I told him I'll go there myself if you insist not going but he said he don't want me to tell everybody our relationship. Of course divorce is not a good solution. When I marry him I definitely want to be with him the rest of my life. Nobody wants to get to that point. It's just I've done so much, I really couldn't stand it anymore. The reason why I write things here is that I'm very lonely here in Vancouver. All my friends are back in HK. The only good friend of mine here will be going back in April too. I have my mom here but I don't want her to worry about me so I tried my best not to let her know. I am really frustrated here alone by myself when I have nothing but only my daughter.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
I agree what u said. He does have alot of stress. Everyone has a limit of handling stress and I think his limit is very low so he is trying to ignore everything. We are young couples he is only 30 and I'm 28. I know that he is not ready to have a family yet. He was born is a wealthy family, whatever he wants his family gives. But now he thinks he is giving instead of receiving. That's why he is all stressed out. But on the other hand, I have a good family too, I didn't need to do everything when i was still single. I have alot of stress and unhappy too. I did try to talk while he was playing computer or give him a drink. I even helped him massage. I know he is not happy but I am not happy too and I know love is not about giving or receiving but when I've done alot to please him and turn out everytime I got back is black face or ignored or not appreciated, my heart will be harder and harder. That's why I think if we have some time to cool down and deeply think if this relationship should be go on or not. Maybe my leaving will relieve all his unhappy and stress. I've already reach my maximum. I'll get crazy if my life is still like this.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
b9lingling,
Is there any turning point that he becomes like this? You have been with him for many years; is he always playing video games? Is he like that since the daughter is born?
My husband loves playing video games till late night too, but he still spends time with me and my daughter first.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
b9lingling,
Have you thought your expectation is higher than before? I dont think he has stress in job as that is family business and he will never get fired. Majority men love computer games includes my husband, but he will put family as first priority.
From your case, I thought about Princess Diana. She married a prince and everyone expect her have a happy marriage. It also happened to many ladies who married a rich family. As you mention, you also come from a good family which you dont need to worrry about money. How lucky you are and it is many mommies' dream to just take care of children and live in a fancy place. Sometimes God is fair, I guess. I am not as wealthy as you, but I have a happy marriage. I dont mean to be mean to you, but sometimes you need to accept something in your life. How many people really happy about their marriage? It is really hard to put 2 individual people to live in harmony, right? Atleast one thing you dont need to worry is about your finanical problem which can cause many problems in our marriage.
In your case, I suggest you to pay more attention to your daughter since you mentioned she is hyper-active. Take her to swimming, dancing, gym....whatever she can burn her energy, then you will have a better life. Since you are still young, I believe you still look attractive, so no need to worry he will run away from you. Just accept what you have and enjoy the time with your daughter, then you will be happier.
Re: I'm so unhappy, can somebody pls give me advice?
Maybe my expectation is really higher than before. But I can't stand it when my husbund is like 30 yrs old and still ask his mom for $$, still use his parent's secondary credit card, still beg his mom to buy him a nice car. Actually we worry about $$ now. He can ask his mom for $$ to spent but I can't go ask my 99 for $$. He only gives me $700cdn every month which I'll have to buy all diapers, groceries, food and all that stuff. He even ask his mom to help him buy insurance (but none w/my name or my daughter's name). Somehow I think I have spent too much time in this family. I have no other life. My whole world is my daughter and my husbund, maybe that's why I care so much about him.
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