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Walletegg


複式洋房

積分: 196


1#
發表於 06-1-26 11:19 |只看該作者

咸碟

My husband 偷偷地看咸碟!!
He said it was for 減壓....唔知點解喎!!!
He begged for my forgiveness.
What do u think?
I accept we both watch together, if he wants.
But he watched it alone when I was sleeping....
What did he mean? I cannot satisfy his needs"?
But indeed, my "need" is always more than his!
We are both Christians.....
I am very hurt, he hurted my 自尊心!!
Pls advise me what I should do!??? :-(
私人傳訊

林太太


大宅

積分: 1058


2#
發表於 06-1-26 13:26 |只看該作者

Re: 咸碟


Dear Walletegg,

I think as a Christian he somehow feels guilty and knows it's "dirty" too, so he doesn't accept you to watch with him.

You don't need to compare yourself with the pron stars. Many men knows very well what is a wife, and what is something for "instant fun" only.

If you can, don't just blame him (but tell him clearly you feel hurt when he does so) and NEVER watch with him together (if this is offensive to you---and afterall it's not something pleasing to God---and your hatred towards this may become a derterring factor helping him to stop the act).

If you can, try asking instead (at a suitable timing): shall we pray together for your pressure?

Walletegg, I can imagine it's very sad to be in such a situation. But he is now "ONLY" (please forgive me for using this word: I don' t mean to understate the seriousness or your bad feeling) secretly watching VCD at home and still have the "shameful" feeling (he begged for your forgivenes), rather than really going out to sleep with someone else. You are the only person who can help him now. Maybe you'll feel more like being a "victim" (hurt by him), but it's true that you are the only one that can help him (how can he tell others in the church that he's watching pron VCD because of pressure?). It's very hard, but that's always the situation in couple relationship (be hurt by the other party's weakness, but at the same time has the responsibility to bear his/her weakness or even to help him/her through).

Pray to God for forgiveness to him, for healing your wound made by him, and for giving you the strength to care and pray for him. If you have a mature (especially spiritually, and also pschologically) pastor and pastoress, try seek help from them (it's good to talk to them togehter as a couple, or to the pastoress alone). But you have to be very careful before you tell any one who personally knows your husband about this.
私人傳訊

Walletegg


複式洋房

積分: 196


3#
發表於 06-1-26 13:45 |只看該作者

Re: 咸碟

Thank you very much, Mrs Lam.
I know I have to turn to my dear God on this case...
And I know if I turn to God, it only means to Forgiveness eventually. But I cannot persuade myself to forgive him!
Even he is not really doing something wrong with another woman, but I am also afraid that he is going to do so....I lost Trust from him.
And, I am a logical lady, I want to know why this fault, how watching such VCD can solve man's pressure on work, why he didnt turn to me when he wants to have sex........
It happened on this Monday night, I still cannot fogive him.
I have also thought of seeking help from pastor, but I am afraid it would hurt him, moreover, I am very 要面....everyone thinks we are a perfect couple..........!
:-(
私人傳訊

circleda


伯爵府

積分: 19487


4#
發表於 06-1-26 16:33 |只看該作者

Re: 咸碟

Would you become a robber after seeing Robinhood movie? Don't think your husband is a man who can't distinguish fake and reality!

Why should the event related to trust and forgivemess? Because he wasn't invite/inform that you he was going to see those porn movie? Let's think: would you invite your boss to join you and your friend to Karaoke? Most likely not. Why? Becuase you're afraid he/she will judge you when you're playing and dislike some of your behaviour. In this case, perhaps he think you will not like his erection when seeing other women?

To men sex is not only a nature calling, it is also a mean to show his power, whether you like it or not. Making love with a woman feels good if he can bring ecstasy to her, otherwise bitterness may be the result. To bring ecstasy to a women, you need time plus many things: romantic atmosphere, sweet talking, foreplay... most important is time!

You see, if he had time (and leisure), he will prefer good sex with you, just like having a delightful dinner for two; if he is in a hurry (and under pressure), he will have a hand job, just like having fast food himself. Would you blame him having fast food?

What he need is actually your understanding, NOT your forgiveness.

私人傳訊

Walletegg


複式洋房

積分: 196


5#
發表於 06-1-26 17:36 |只看該作者

Re: 咸碟

Dear Circleda,
Thanks for writing me.
I seem understand the reason of his watching AV.
But he is such a honest husband, I cannot accept such kind of issue at once...u know, I felf shock when I knew this.
One thing is that, I always believe that Love and Sex can only happen on a couple, but not an unknown human in movie...So I am disappointed this time.
Ummm...by the way, are you Christian?
私人傳訊

circleda


伯爵府

積分: 19487


6#
發表於 06-1-26 18:50 |只看該作者

Re: 咸碟

You interpret honest as 老實 or 誠實? Either way, I would say this is not a case for judging he is honest or not. Everyone will have some weakness and little secret, e.g. picking nose. One may perfer never tell the partner this habit and rather hide in toilet to do it.

I can understand how shock you are, as sex is a rather delicate subject. I agree real Love and Sex should have been happen between a couple, but AV is more like a fake , cheap and instant-forget alternative worked specially well for men (just like fine dinning against chips).

May I remind you that please try to calm down and not let the event get in the way between you two. Sit down and discuss the issue, do tell him you understand the reason even you felt shock, and lead him to express himself more, e.g. what pressure is he facing.... Please avoid the word 'forgiveness' because it sound like he has committed a sin, then he may never open up to you thereafter. Just put the judgement aside.

Well I am not a Christian, but I don't think this is relevant here. You can judge(!) my suggestion by your common sense. Just feel sad when couple letting this golden chance of communication slip.
私人傳訊

林太太


大宅

積分: 1058


7#
發表於 06-1-27 23:22 |只看該作者

Re: 咸碟

Dear Walletegg,

Cicleda did give very useful and practical and sensible analysis and advice.

Human nature is quite the same for both Christians & non-Christians. (Christians are merely sinners willing to admit their situations and take God's forgiveness) We all face the same temptations. One difference is that when a Christian DECIDESto say NO to that temptation, he can turn to God for the strength needed to resist that. But still he is the person to MAKE THE DECISION. (A wife's unconditional love will surely help the husband to make the right decision)

It's true that sex SHOULD only happen between a married couple. But do you agree that even you yourself will sometimes do things you SHOULDN't do? (though it may not concern sex in your case)

It may be hard for you to understand why your husband did that, because the temptations faced by him as a man is very different from those faced by you as a woman. Even though you do not have the same feelings, reactions, behavioural pattern....as him, you can still "ACCEPT" him as a person (Just like God accepting sinners......though He hates sins).

I think Cicleda already gave some very practical advice that you may follow after PRAYING FOR & WITH your husband.

Concerning talking with someone else in the church, you have to be very careful. Make sure the one you talk to is mature enough to know how to handle such a subtle issue. But see, as in God's plan a husband is supposed to get help from his wife. So you are the first person and God's chosen person to help him. Pray to God for healing yourself first so that you can offer your husband the help he needs.

P.S. Though being a non-Christian, Circleda may have different definition for "sin", but he's right to say that "don't judge your husband" (though you can FEEL sad, angry, confused....) , because God is the only one to judge.

ONE more thing on FORGIVENESS.. To me it means "No longer consider the other party owing me anything" (Mathew 18:23-33). One CAN do this even when she/he still FEELS being hurt or exploited.. But my very own experience is : Whenever I decide to throw away the "debit note", God very soon helps me to be free from those hurting feelings.
私人傳訊

Walletegg


複式洋房

積分: 196


8#
發表於 06-1-29 00:44 |只看該作者

Re: 咸碟

Dear Mrs Lam,
Thanks very very much for your care and advice.
My husband has done a lot to compensate his fault and shown his apologises. So I forgive him!
Through this issue, we know that we have to be dependant on God. Previously, we were very lazy to attend church after we moved to HK side. (Our church is in N.T.) But we will not lazy anymore!!
Once again, thanks, Mrs Lam.
祝福杯滿溢! :-P :-P :-P
私人傳訊


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