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Baby Kingdom - 親子王國香港討論區 › 首頁 › 基督家庭› 應如何面對???

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應如何面對??? [複製鏈接]

Retail

大宅

積分: 1839

1^#

發表於 05-11-21 12:03 |只看該作者

應如何面對???

My brother applied for bankruptcy in last year, all because he owed a big amount from the finance companies / banks. In fact it happened since I was in the secondary school. At that time my mom would help him to repay the monthly loan. Everytime when he asked for help and we settled the case, he would apply for another loans, it happens for over 20 years and in total we, including my parents, my other brothers, sister and myself, helped him for nearly 1 million ...

When I started having my job I would give 50% of my salary to my mom and sometimes more in middle of the month. Frankly, it was not my intention to help my brother because I always think he should be responsible for what he did. Of course, he didn't and even worse he disappeared for few years and left the loans to us 10 years ago...

Last year when I know he planned to apply for the bankruptcy, I do think it's good for him, probably he wants to have a new start. However, I am wrong again!

He went to apply for the 宗援, even bad he used my parents' name to apply more. When my mom told me that he has sent the application, I cried heavily. I always think the $$ should be for those who really need help. I also think why my parents need to apply for 宗援!

My mom then said the gov'nt asked me to write a letter to them, to prove that I provide them several hundreds only every months. It's not true and I don't want to tell lies. I then used the excuse that I have put their names on my tax return, that it's illegal if I write this letter. Finally, finally I wrote the letter with the true figure but I was really sad and kept crying when I type the letter.

Last month end, my mom called me and asked for the same letter. I also used the same excuse, however, she kept saying that I wrote several hundreds only in last year.

I said that's impossible. How could I forget the painful process in last year? Furthermore, if I have already wrote that letter with less amount, how come they asked for it again??? Then I think it may be the idea of my brother, if I wrote less in this year he will get more from the government...

I then asked my mom why, she said it's because my brother's case is now being take care by other branch. She furthered that it is actually the advises of the gov't official. Probably because my brother aware that my mom could not convince me, he then took the phone and started convincing me.

I used the same reason for not writing the letter. The same he said the gov't official showed him the letter I wrote in last year, it showed that I wrote several hundreds only. I couldn't stand for it any more so I asked him the true reason why I need to rewrite the letter, his reply was, then he would get more from the gov't.

I started out of control and said directly... I will not write the letter but I could promise that I will not claim the parents' tax in next year, then he could claim everything from the gov't. He refused and keep arguing, I pissed off and said if he couldn't wait then I pay him the difference that he will get from the gov't....He then hanged up without saying a word.

Frankly, I am really sad... not only because my parents ignored my feeling and the legal liability, most importantly, they will always help my brother on these ridicious things. In my opinion, if they keep helping my brother, he will never "wake up". Could they help him forever?

My mom and dad called again indvidually and my husband talked to them instead. They said my brother told them if I do not write this letter, my brother is required to return part of the $$ he received in last year to the gov't. My brother is a big liar, he used my parents again...

My husband told my dad for what my brother just said to me. Sounds that he had no feeling at all and kept saying the same thing. My husband gave up and ended the call with the comments... are the several thousands really important that the parents could ignore the feeling of their daughter, and even just let her to take up the possible legal liability??? My husband stayed firm and requested to hang up...

I didn't call my parents and see them since then. I really don't know how to face up with them. From bottom of my heart, I do not really angry with my parents, but I do sad and being hurted.

Sisters, I need to attend a relative's banquet on this Sunday. My orignal plan is not to go, then I don't need to see them. Should I go? To be honest, I couldn't sleep well in these weeks and sad everytime when I think of them... but contrary, what should I say in front of them??? Should I wear a "mask", present to them that I am fine? Frankly, it's not me, I am not that kind of person....

PLEASE HELP!

私人傳訊

林太太

大宅

積分: 1058

2^#

發表於 05-11-22 02:29 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

Dear Retail,

Quite understand your feelings.

I hope I can talk more with you but it's getting late. So maybe I make it simple now and see whether we can talk more latter:

If I were you and if I really don't feel that I can handle it on the banquet, I'd rather not to go.
You may have struggle thinking that it's not good 'cause (1) you're not showing your compliments & sincerity to the bride & bridegroom, and (2) why try to avoid this occasion if you yourself are not wrong and not angry with dad & mum & brother.........etc.
But, just imagine if you've got very heavy flu, you won't have struggle deciding whether to go or not, cause you "just cannot go" and you're taking care of your body. You won't feel you "owe" the bride & bridegroom. Now your situation is more or less hte same: it's not about the body but your heart & soul. Treat yourself well & pamper yourself. Say regret to that relative and find time to send them the 人情/賀禮 in person to show your sincerity if neccessary (even in the MTR station will be OK---and then you may still have meals or tea with them if you want). Tell them you are so regret that you cannot go. No need to explain in details, and no need to make up any false reasons. I don't think the bride & groom expect every guest invited to attend, nor will they expect those not attending to give explanations. Show your sincerity in other ways and they won't think you are impolite.

I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU SHOULD NOT GO. THE POINT IS, IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TO GO or YOU ARE WORRY ABOUT THAT, WHY GO? IT'S JUST A WEDDING BANQUET. (There ARE occassions that we will not be able to attend such banquets)

私人傳訊

jk67jk

子爵府

積分: 10867

3^#

發表於 05-11-22 13:34 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

Retail,

I would choose rather not go, too. Not because of anger, it is the uneasy feeling of facing them, especially in front of a group of friends and relatives.

Your parents are giving out unconditional love to your brother, though the way is wrong. So, please understand them. Hope and pray that one day they will wake up in their blind and foolish way they are doing now.

「多元社區，和諧並存；你我出手，聾健共融」

私人傳訊

Retail

大宅

積分: 1839

4^#

發表於 05-11-23 11:30 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

林太太 & jk67jk

Thank you so much for your advices. My husband tries not to ask me if I will go. However, I know he wants me to go, since it is the only chance that I showed to my parents that I am not angry with them. I am that kind of person that will never take the initiative, even though I am fine with what had happened...

林太太, I agree with you entirely that I am ill, not my body but my heart! My husband concerned that my parents will be angry with me if I do not go because of the sick. That means even if I am really sick, they will still think that it is an excuse only... My husband said it will only worsening the situation... that's why I am puzzle...

私人傳訊

jk67jk

子爵府

積分: 10867

5^#

發表於 05-11-24 10:13 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

Retail,

Your husband is right also! This is a chance to make up the relationship, you might regret one day suddenly .... anyone of you got an accident and never come back. Don't leave a regret on earth!

It's hard to restore the close relationship as before, but let each other know there is still LOVE in the family.

「多元社區，和諧並存；你我出手，聾健共融」

私人傳訊

李小B太太

大宅

積分: 4412

6^#

發表於 05-11-24 13:10 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

Retail,

其實你爸爸媽媽的感覺一樣很難受、很無助, 如果連你們這些乖仔乖女都不再理他們, 他們就一無所有了...

我哥哥也是這樣 "不爭氣", 一次又一次借高利貸和財務公司的錢, 我爸媽傷心難過之餘, 卻始終狠不下心 "由得佢死", 這就是愛。是愚蠢、是縱容、甚至是害死他的愛, 但, 你又可以怎樣要求他們呢?

不要懲罰爸媽啦, 他們已經夠可憐的了....

我現在始終常常回去陪爸媽, 但, 一定要狠下心 "關水喉", 不給他們多餘錢 "貼" 我哥哥. 還有就是, 多為你哥哥祈禱吧, 求主憐憫.....

@ 如果有錢有社會地位先至會被人喜愛，呢個世界就太可悲了 @

私人傳訊

林太太

大宅

積分: 1058

7^#

發表於 05-11-24 14:45 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

Retail,

You wrote:
"it is the only chance that I showed to my parents that I am not angry with them. I am that kind of person that will never take the initiative, even though I am fine with what had happened"

Dear sister, please don't limit yourself. Does God tell you this is the last and only chance? Or is it your own view? No, your are NOT a person THAT WILL NEVER TAKE THE INITIATIVE. You just feel DIFFICULT and need more encouragement and power and love (these you can seek from our loving FATHER) to do so.

I understand that you want to let your parents know you are not angry with them, and agree with some sisters that it's good to restore the relationship with your parents if there's the chance. But do you REALLY think this banquet will be an ideal or appropriate setting for that?

Good relationship, especially with those intimate ones like our spouse or parents, doesn't just mean "I'm OK, you're OK" and wearing a smilie face to each other. To love and to be loved need courage, 'cause both are extremely risky. But we have a safety net: Our relationship with God. Perfect love casts out all fear. Sometimes doing the "good" thing prevents us from doing the "best" thing. Be considerate (to your parents' feelings) is nothing wrong. But true loving relationship is not just doing something to please or to avoid provoking the other party ONLY according to how they see things.

Retail, I don't mean that you should let your parents down by not joining the banquet. But "Not seeing you = You are angry with them" is your parents' formula. It's not the fact.

If you do REALLY feel bad meeting your own family in such a public occassion, but MAKE yourself go; your parents MAY think that you are now OK with them (suppose you AND YOUR HUSBAND perform well all night thro'), but at the same time you may be backing off from building a more intimate relationship with them.

If you decide to go, I hope you will go not just to fulfil your parents' expectation. If you decide not to go, I hope you will open up more possibilities for yourself and your parents: e.g. ask them out for tea, pnone them up to chat with them...etc.

私人傳訊

Retail

大宅

積分: 1839

8^#

發表於 05-11-24 14:45 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

Thank you so much to all of you, you are really great and nice. You help me a lot...

My dad called to my home early in this morning. He asked if he needs to prepare the gift voucher for us. After the call my husband asked me to confirm if we will go or not, if not I need to ask my brother to help giving the gift voucher to my relative.

To his opinion that no matter what my parents did wrong, they are my parents that we could never change. He furthered that it's not fair to both ourselves and the relatives if we do not go only because we do not want to see my brother. We finally decided to go...

Hope everything is fine on that day...and of course hopes it is a great evening!

私人傳訊

林太太

大宅

積分: 1058

9^#

發表於 05-11-24 14:52 |只看該作者

Re: 應如何面對???

FEAR NOT, FEAR NOT! Then enjoy the night lah!

Trust God will fill (all of) you up with His love!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S. Not totally agreeing with your parents / siblings does not neccesarily mean that you can't love them. Our God is a perfect example for us.