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AndyM


伯爵府

積分: 15154

2024年龍年勳章


1#
發表於 09-1-20 13:59 |只看該作者
First of all, i apologize I can't type Chinese.

I'm very depressed! I've married more than 10 years and I've got two young children. For the last couple years, my relationship with my husband was the worse ever. We are arguing everyday, no matter how simple conversation will turn into an argument. He always pretending he is a nice and gentle guy in front of friends / other people. When we are at home he will either ignore me by watching TV or holding his laptop all the time (I really mean ALL the time). He will emailing, 'Facebook' or MSN with his female friends. when I complain he didn't give any time for us or our children, he will claim he is working too busy with his work. He told me he made up his mind, he doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want to be with me for the rest of his life, it's the best for the children if we divorce, he always threat me by telling me he will hire the best lawer to crash me, he will spend every penny on the lawyer rather than give me any money.

How can a man so in love with me 15 years ago, and now I became the most hated person in his life. I have no friend to talk to, I have no family to support me, I have no parent, no brother or sister. I've been to social worker whose not very helpful. I've been to psychiatrist and it didn't work. Now I am seeing Counselor whose keep telling me I need to prepare the worse happen. I love my children very much I don't want to give them a broken family particulally I came from one. I did think of end my life so many times. But i was worrying my children, they are the only reason keep me!

I really don't know what to do?!
私人傳訊

rose-mag


王國長老

積分: 174237

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38#
發表於 09-1-30 15:29 |只看該作者
AndyM,
我之前工作上接觸到好多外國人,d所謂專業人士有好多真係不敢鞠唯,好多真係得個樣,你話果d出入咩咩club嘅,有部份真係真材實料,但都有好多只係得個樣同把口,你老公對呢d咁趨之若鶩,恐怕都唔係一個好踏實嘅人,而且你地已經有兩個小朋友,冇理由仲表現得好似一個young playboy咁. 我身邊好多男仔朋友都係結婚後特别係做咗爸爸之後變得住家男人,我同老公未結婚前都好鍾意出街,但結婚後再生埋小朋友真係冇得話唔變,唔通自己日日出街,由得小朋友自生自滅咩,咁你地最初生小朋友時冇共識冇計劃嗎?

呢度有好多人都勸你放手,但決定權在你自己手上.

我只係想講一個完整但唔開心嘅家庭,未必可以俾小朋友幸福,你對小朋友見到爸爸同媽媽日嘈夜嘈,對佢地的心理成長係無益架,我見過好些例子,小朋友日後成長同性格都有好深遠影響.你對小朋友幾大呀? 有冇留意佢地對你同老公關係嘅反應?

你老公根本冇為將來打算,咁不如你自己打算你同對仔女嗁將來啦! 佢同你講離婚,有冇提過邊個養對仔女? 如果佢唔要對仔女,冇可能唔駛負擔佢地嘅教肯費同生活費架,咁點可能話要一個仙都唔分俾你? 如果佢要爭對仔女,你大條道理話佢根本冇照顧佢地,我真係唔信呢個世界冇公理.

離唔離婚而家未必係最緊要,佢要單方面都可以成事,只係時間問題,我反而認為你最好保留多d証據以便日後爭取你應得嘅,例如佢d咭數欠單,寫低佢每日幾多時間喺屋企做d咩,幾多時間出街,幾多時間照顧仔女....

如果你老公唔再愛你但愛對仔女,我都覺得呢個人仲有d嘢值得你留戀,如果連仔女都唔要,作為一個媽咪,我真係勸你為自己同對仔女著想先好d啦.
花旗太太生活在花旗國，留意時差，你問我未必即時答到。
私人傳訊

swxo


大宅

積分: 3290

好媽媽勳章


37#
發表於 09-1-30 12:02 |只看該作者
AndyM,

Feel sad to know about your situation. Please be strong and think twice: what makes you deeply in love of your husband? What is the most important to you now? your two kids, right? Is he treating them still very well?

The next important to you must be yourself/ not your husband; coz he's already treating himself very well, he has his own lifestyle, never change it at all, but he's not sharing his good time with you, he's not caring he's having happy time with you or with anyone else....... Did he try to have fun with you but you refuse? I DON'T THINK SO

Be strong, walk out and seek help from other "professional", he's thinking himself too big!! Don't live in anyone's shadow!!
私人傳訊

happypiano


侯爵府

積分: 24395

醒目開學勳章


36#
發表於 09-1-30 11:17 |只看該作者
聽到你而家同你老公既生活, 就算佢唔話離婚, 咁又點呢? 呢種生活你好過咩? 你開心咩? 有老公仲慘過無老公, 唉.........留得住個人留唔住個心呀, 放手啦, 放過自己啦.

有時做人真係要化....... 你試下諗開d, 咁可能你會容易d放手. 講真, 一個咁樣既老公你要黎做mei呀? 完全唔理你的, 亦衰到話情願用晒係律師費, 一毫子都唔會俾你.......你見到佢對你幾咁絕啦!!

你死心啦, 哀莫大於心死, 你而家就係因為仲未死心, 所以先仲想留係到!

你都係一個人呀, 俾番d好d既日子自己去過啦!! 你既幸福唔一定係要由人地俾你架, 有時都要自己爭取的!

私人傳訊

全為愛


水晶宮

積分: 58074


35#
發表於 09-1-28 13:30 |只看該作者
AndyM,

By reading more about your situation with your husband, I think most of the BK mami have already provided you with some very constructive and practical suggestion (personally think that Buyer's opinion is very impressive and very feasible). All you need to do is just 的起心肝 and take action, give it some times and patience, see the effectiveness and your husband's response, then come back to BK, tell us your progress.

Here I give you encouragement ... stand up, love yourself, flight for a better life for yourself and your kids (there is no rule saying that woman needs a man to accomplish a better life!), place your husband aside at the moment, don't bother to react according to his words and attitude, your happiness should not be relied on what he says or what he does, and actually you can't control how he acts and how he says and therefore don't get yourself stuck on these uncontrollable factors.

AndyM, take action and believe me you will definitely see the difference, it may take quite a long time but you will find worthy to take action now, here at this moment. Go for it!!!

All BK mami are supporting you!!!
私人傳訊

AndyM


伯爵府

積分: 15154

2024年龍年勳章


34#
發表於 09-1-28 12:42 |只看該作者
Thanks 小泳, I've been living in the UK for more than 10
years. My husband is a British and my working environment is English only. So I've got the opportunity to practice my English everyday.

If you ask me, I think the reason why my husband hate
me so much are: I'm too independent, I might not be
academically clever like him, but I have comment sense in general. So from day to day he's not happy with it. Also my husband always like to be agree with, when he decide to do something he will be determine to get his goal, but sometimes I disagree with it then he will be so upset. And we also argue a lot about our finance, we used to travel first class, fine dining all the time. Let me give you an example, since 1995 I met him we always eat out at least 3 times a week and it costed over HK$1500 every time. He didn't change much even we have children (we got a boy & a girl). For the past 15 years we've been together, he built up so much debt, every time he'd made me re-mortgaged and drawn the money out to settle the debt. On one hand, he keep telling friends & relatives how much he love his kids, on the hand, he keep spending even more than he earn. We have no saving, no investment, no education fund for the kids, of course no retirement plan neither! That's is one of the big issue we argue as well.

And since we came back to HK out relationship getting far worse than ever, he met a branch of so call professionals, some of them are Chinese whose educated in west, some are Foreigners. As these people have been in HK so long time, they all belong to those 'American Club, Football Club, Cricket Club, Yacht Club,etc' He was invited to parties there a lot and he think those people are his best friends. He will never turn down any invitation so I complain he didn't spend any time with me or our kids. If he's staying at home, he will hold his laptop ALL THE TIME emailing, 'Facebook' with his female friends. He enjoy communicating with these young girls because he get his satisfaction from these young girls whose so admire him, he is an professional and a PhD. So he really enjoy people admire him in that way. Of course I do respect him so clever, but we've been together so long time as a couple I don't show it everyday.

I don't think he has an affair with one girl at this moment, but he would not state clear that he is married man and not available, and he will go out as much as he like. I feel so upset because I put my family first but he put himself first. I feel so depressed and I hate myself. I have no one to talk to that's why I am moaning on BK. I will be happier if I would learn to not so care about him.

 
私人傳訊

小泳


大宅

積分: 1118


33#
發表於 09-1-27 23:42 |只看該作者
AndyM

樓主, 你既英文比一般中五生好幾倍, 真的~

若你真的沒有 F.5, 你既學習能力係非常高, 講野又有結構及組織, 你要比信心給自己呀!!

其實你知吾知係乜因由老公咁討厭你呢? 一路以嚟你踏著佢邊條尾, 你自己吾知呢? 因為並未見你提及...

一個專業有自信既人, 被你踏著條尾多年, 無端百事都會好光火的, 你可吾可以唸下一路以嚟, 其實佢有邊方面對你好不滿意?可能你忽略了.....

因為見你是那麼愛著他, 就由他立場唸下吧, 從他的眼裡看看他的家, 他的太太.....

如果是一般男性貪新忘舊原因, 或者你要先令自己快樂起來,大家才可以走出困局....

原帖由 AndyM 於 09-1-24 18:16 發表
Thanks for your conerns. It was my husband who wanted to file a divorce. I'm the one wanted to save our marriage. He's acting like a cold stone wall either ignore me or argue with me. And even more he ...
私人傳訊

p123ccw


複式洋房

積分: 157


32#
發表於 09-1-26 01:51 |只看該作者
I totally understand how you feel cos I am in the same situation. My husband wants to divorce with me but I want to keep the marriage. The worst thing is we don't talk to each other. I know it sounds so stupid to stay with the person that doesn't love you anymore. But I am still in love with him. I can't help. Maybe I am afraid to be lonely. Maybe I want my kid has a family with parents. Maybe I regret my 青春.

Anyway we moved back to HK from oversea serveral years ago. Our relationship is getting worse. He is a quite guy. Doesn't talk too much. He always has a dream but is not practical. He won't plan our future. Maybe that what a guy should do. As me, once I got married, I always put my family as first. But he is not. Now his son is his top priority, and then his business, and then himself, and then or maybe the family. ME ~ the last.

We still live in the same apartment with seperate bed. It's been over 9 months. I am so unhappy in those days but what can I do. Nobody can help me to solve the problem. It seems like divorce is the only solution. But I have to convince myself to believe the truth that he doesn't love me and doesn't want me to be with him for his rest of his life. I cry sometimes during day and night time. Feeling hopeless in the future.
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abbymum


大宅

積分: 1318


31#
發表於 09-1-26 01:16 |只看該作者
你做到幾好都無用, 佢咁對你, 好明顯係因為你阻住佢達到同你離婚ge目標. 即使佢單方申請離婚, 兩年後就可以達到目的, 而佢ge專業又可以令佢隻手遮天, 佢又唔怕餂$$比你, 但佢仲要同你磨而唔主動單方入紙離婚, 好可能係佢一如平日咁, 死要面, 要扮晒好人, 唔想做主動果個 (好似老細炒人, 唔想自己出手, 而多方為難僱員希望佢自己辭職咁). 即係話, 無論你點做 (就算你變左另一個人---但其實唔會, 你受咁大折磨之下, 只會對佢反應更差), 你地關係都唔會改變, 因為你點做, 在佢看來都係阻住佢條路果個.既然係咁, 你要想清楚自己想要乜同埋睇清楚當中ge代價:

(1) 你得到的: 繼續跟佢同一屋簷下 (但即使你地唔離婚佢亦可以隨時把行動升級, 例如搬走---我朋友就係咁);
你的代價: 受佢精神虐待, 孩子都要跟你一同受佢精神虐待&忍受一個精神頻臨崩潰ge阿媽 (比著邊個, 在咁情況下, 唔精神崩潰都難)
你可以做: 分散自己注意力, 好似你自己講, 去上course, 去找其他寄托, 希望這些給你的正能量可以多過個那男人給你的負能量而頂下去, 頂到佢連面子都肯放低, 然後單方面入紙同你離婚.

(in this case, 咪幻想可以做甚麼來挽回. 即使有日佢回頭, 都只係神蹟---你唔信教, 咁, 都只係搏中六合彩)

(2) 你得到的: 做一個人的基本尊嚴, 孩子不用忍受兩個失常的父母
你的代價: 面對你 "美滿婚姻幸福家庭" 這個 "夢" 的破滅 (我講只係一個夢, 是因為, 即使你繼續堅持不去面對現實, 你所努力維持的都不過是你對婚姻和家庭的夢想, 但現實中你的婚姻和家庭並非如你所想)
你可以做: 調校你對 "幸福家庭" 的期望. 調整你對 "親子關係" 的定義.

兩個選擇你都不會開心, 因為都會痛, 都唔係自己想要的. 但, 人生不就往往會如此? 邊個唔想健康, 但偏偏就發現生cancer; 邊個唔想一家齊全? 但偏偏就會飛來橫禍; 邊個唔想經濟穩定? 但偏偏就被公司裁員; 邊個唔想抱個健康活潑的bb? 但偏偏就生下個殘障兒.....
我想講, 人生係會有遺憾, 但在遺憾中, 仍要做有質素的選擇, 而且要學去接受, 凡事有代價, 你選了一樣野, 就要比果樣野ge代價....
無人可以judge你, 話你點揀先啱, 點揀就stupid. 但你自己揀邊樣, 就要比邊樣代價.

係好難, 但總得走下去. 不過這裏會有同路人.

(至於自己能唔能夠獨力支持頭家, 只係日後枝節問題)

[ 本帖最後由 abbymum 於 09-1-26 01:26 編輯 ]
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babyvince


男爵府

積分: 6012

好媽媽勳章


30#
發表於 09-1-25 00:00 |只看該作者
Instead of getting divorced, Buyer has suggested a good approach... From now on, stay calm, and take good care of yourself and your kids. You will then be able to prove yourself a good mother. This will be a fact that no one can twist it.

[ 本帖最後由 babyvince 於 09-1-25 00:02 編輯 ]
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AndyM


伯爵府

積分: 15154

2024年龍年勳章


29#
發表於 09-1-24 18:16 |只看該作者
Thanks for your conerns. It was my husband who wanted to file a divorce. I'm the one wanted to save our marriage. He's acting like a cold stone wall either ignore me or argue with me. And even more he is an expert of family law and I do believe he is able to twist all the fact and will do everything to against me. As so many BK members said, I try very hard not to arguing with him, at the moment we didn't bring up this subject and he hardly stay at home. Will contact you if I need some professional legal advice. Thanks a lot.
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babyvince


男爵府

積分: 6012

好媽媽勳章


28#
發表於 09-1-24 01:44 |只看該作者
AndyM - It's certainly up to you whether to divorce or not. But if I were you, I would divorce him. What good will it do your kids if they stay with a father who is so full of hate towards their mother? If you are threatened by your hubby that he will get injunction and get the best lawyer blablabla, don't be afraid of it. That's just bullshit. I tell you, he will not succeed and you have ways to get around this. If you need professional advice, PM me.
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BBR


大宅

積分: 2760


27#
發表於 09-1-23 13:37 |只看該作者
有咩事想問搵我啦,唔好比佢D專業嚇到,加油呀!!
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buyer


大宅

積分: 4808


26#
發表於 09-1-23 12:28 |只看該作者
你的路很多人也走過，真的別怕。婚姻有問題不一定是壞事，婚外情絕對有機會令你的婚姻更進步，更令你們雙方成長；當然我不排除最終有機會分開，沒人能保証你的愛和包容必定有回報，但你應該為妳想要的東西努力去嘗試，至少無愧於心，無愧於孩子。
這段時間你能好好愛小孩和自己，當他去了工幹罷，當他去當兵，當他被人捉左去批鬥，總之，你要接受現在是妳與孩子一同生活，不要再想先生婚外情的事，因為你控制不到他，而你現在做什麼也不能感動他，因他盲了。經過長時間後，再次商討要否離婚時，相信大家必定更冷靜、沒有更多傷痛，因最難過的一關便是現在這情況，請你接受，接受這個事實，你丈夫要離開發，想想餘下可以做什麼，做什麼對你和孩子是最好的，做什麼可以叫你老公明白家的好。離不離婚可以暫時不理，一來可以不讓第三者得逞，二來現在決定也實在太衝動，當你不再迫先生和第三者分開，他沒有壓力，他可跟第三者一起，他便沒興趣再跟你說離婚，或者到第三者迫你先生離婚，他便明白誰是對他好。 如先生迫你簽，你不用給反應，如真的不行，那其實是你跟丈夫談判離婚後安排的好條件。總之你在各方面也比他有利，因為他做錯事，你不用担心，法例是用來保護你，你不用被他嚇怕。
首先可以嘗試找工作，你說你學歷不高，但你英文很好呀，我相信公司是用材，而不是只看一紙學歷，我對你很有信心，如你要照顧子女而不打算工作，看看經濟上丈夫可否支持你們，但你要表明除錢，並不干涉他其他生活。
而你丈夫與你相處，聽你說你們的過去，看來都是都高高在上、持勢凌人般，而時他常用說話攻擊你，你不需要太介懷，這是你們相處時一直有的弱點，他永遠覺得自己是對的，他也被你的認同和默許寵壞了。不需要與他爭辯，無言是對他最好既答案，一句說話也不要說，努力照顧子女和自己，我相信日子久了，他會察覺到自己的問題，而他亦會對妳的態度感到驚訝。不要軟弱、不要怕、不要讓他覺得自己重要，但我意思不是叫你不用愛他，你現在刻意按著情緒和對他冷淡，是因為你愛他，你要他知道你對他不正確的決定並不支持，但會忍耐。他說難聽的說話時，不用哭，不用反罵，因為他根本不知道自己在做什麼，不用傷神。

好, 我繼續開工。
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buyer


大宅

積分: 4808


25#
發表於 09-1-23 11:06 |只看該作者
你先生如不是在外面有女人，也不會這麼著急要離婚，即使你們一早常常吵鬧，他沒有向你提出過。你先生向你提出離婚，是不想婚姻阻礙他發展新的戀情，在你與他關係一直這麼差的情況下，新的戀情對他來說是很快樂和很有意義的，這看來比什麼也重要。
既然你不想離婚，我自己也是過來人，離婚未必是這刻你想做的事，那試試靜下來，再不要追著你老公，雖然他說要離婚，但一個月後，三個月後，半後後，一年後，或者他的態度會改變呢? 這刻再迫他, 問他, 答案也是肯定的 – 離婚，他絕對覺得自己的決定是正確的，亦會用好多理由証明他現在的感覺是對的，因他未真正失去他最重要的東西。
你要預了這個戰是持久戰，你要有驚人的戰鬥力、恆心、對你丈夫的愛和對孩子的愛去幫助你打呢場丈，你的時間表不是一星期或是數個月，至少我想要用”年”來做單位，例如我就給了我自己的家一年時間。
第一步是先找個可以幫助你渡過難關的朋友，每當想找你老公做任何事前，先致電朋友，等她們可以幫你的情緖settle 返。你呢刻情緒無論點控制也是容易失控，你以為自己冷靜，其實亦是逼著你的丈夫。所以給大家時間，嘗試不要找、不要問、不要理你的丈夫，一心一意照顧孩子和關心自己如何能夠活得更快樂，如果你不去行出這一步，你仍時舊的你，你沒有改變態度，是很難令你丈夫看到你與舊日的不同。
起初的日子相信一定很難受，生不如死，但我的經驗和別人的經驗告訴我 (你的事每天也有別的家庭發生著，別人做到，我也做到，你也能，你要有信心)，時間是真的可以療傷，亦是你表現你愛你丈夫的一個過程。

我要開工，遲些再回覆。
私人傳訊

aromama


公爵府

積分: 26482

2024年龍年勳章 環保接龍勳章


24#
發表於 09-1-23 00:48 |只看該作者
原帖由 jas_choi 於 09-1-22 18:02 發表
AndyM, I am so sorry to hear about your case. I know that every mother would love to bring a 'complete' family to their children, but sometimes 'complete' means more than having a father and a mother ...

agree
私人傳訊

jas_choi


複式洋房

積分: 108


23#
發表於 09-1-22 18:02 |只看該作者
AndyM, I am so sorry to hear about your case. I know that every mother would love to bring a 'complete' family to their children, but sometimes 'complete' means more than having a father and a mother. It will not be good for children if they have to live in the endless arguments between their parents.

I am not sure how your husband (although he is a professional) can ensure that you won't get any maintenance. Try seeking professional advice from lawyers? Not sure if Legal Aid Dept could help you?
私人傳訊

jojoplanet


珍珠宮

積分: 31256


22#
發表於 09-1-22 16:31 |只看該作者
原帖由 AndyM 於 09-1-21 08:29 發表
Thanks a lot to all your support.
I've been to Church many years ago, I left because too many ugly people there (I mean thier behavour).I don't think it suit me.

I've check with some courses from HK ...


re the course, mature student can get exemption of the certain qualification requirement...you can check

re your relationship with your husband. Sorry to sy taht...unless he is a very impulsive person otherwise, what he said and what he did on you really mean what he thinks.

Prepare for the worst and seek problem solving method are the only think you can do.

Now...all you need to do is plan your future of yourselves and your child...
私人傳訊

ndw


子爵府

積分: 13858


21#
發表於 09-1-22 15:30 |只看該作者
I saw some real devoice case in the court on TV alive in America. I don’t know if it is similar in Hong Kong. Many case, the judge will see the married couple financial situation like who is supporting who before the devoice take effect. For example, the wife requests devoice first and the husband does not want to devoice her, the wife is supporting the husband and the household financially, the wife must carry on the financial support to her devoiced husband and children. So, I wonder if AndyM’s husband try to force AndyM agree to devoice and have financial income to support the family, then, when this devoice case was present in the court, AndyM’s husband may not need to give AndyM any financial support.
Even you don’t go to church, read the Bible on your own is good too. The words in it lifts up my spirit and keep me going every day.
私人傳訊

Frangipani


複式洋房

積分: 125


20#
發表於 09-1-22 14:57 |只看該作者
For a man to say divorce, I think he really really mean to end the marriage with you. There is not much you can do, except respect his decision and plan your future. His heart has changed and he probably doesn't love you anymore. No point to retain the relationship like that. Give yourself some dignity and move on with life. It will be a lot of unknown and confusion ahead after the divorce, but hang in there. You still have your children to love you. Try church again, you need a lot of support and human contact. Come back and update us about your progress.
得力在乎平靜安穩﹗
私人傳訊


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