本帖最後由 858D 於 20-10-14 12:54 編輯
回覆 dayedaye 的帖子
Today, I get my Sir husband's response to some questions about....
how my Sir husband manage the family matters with me and how he talks to me and get his idea through me?
How my Sir get me to understand people's 2nd meaning of what they say.
How to cope with my routine life style?
From Sir,
Dealing with autistic spouse is difficult. For me it is like having another child in the house. She is capable of doing many things and is very good at maintaining our house, cooking our meals, doing the laundry and cleaning. These are her looping things. When it comes to new things or tasks that are outside of her normal routine it is challenging. I have to be very patient and give her directions. I also have to accept the fact that it will take her longer to do it. I resit the urge to do it for her because I can do it faster. I remind myself "I cannot do everything." There are some tasks she is better at because it does not bother her. For example, when calling the insurance company to get answers. It can take many phone calls and many hours of waiting to get answers. I get impatient and give up, but she is good at this task and continues to call and wait as long as necessary. In the end, she was able to do this hard task when I was not. It helps in our relationship to identify what each person is capable of and assign tasks that fit each person.
Regarding the communication with the in-laws, that is more difficult. Depending on the autistic type they may not be able to understand second meanings of sentences. For many, it is just not a concept they know. But for some it can be learned. My nephew has Aspergers and could not recognize faces. Happy, sad, angry or content, they all look the same to him. With some books and a teacher he was able to learn what faces mean and that has helped him in his job. My wife does not understand body language. How a person stands, the direction they are facing, how close they are all tell you something about that person's thoughts. I have been helping her with this and after an event with friends we will sit and talk. I will say 'did you notice how she turn her legs to be closer to the man. That means she is comfortable with him. If she turn them away, that means she is not comfortable with him.' It is like have small school room talk after we interact with people. Over time this has helped her learn about people and it is helped me learn how to communicate with her in a way she understands.
I have learned it takes a lot of patience to be with an autistic person. You also have to learn to be flexible because autistic people usually are not flexible. If I explain something and my wife does not understand, I say "we can talk again soon." I will take time to think of a different way to explain it. It can take several times until she does. This is where the patience it really important. I also remind myself that she loves me. Sometimes her attitude appears like she does not care. But that is never true. I know she loves me. But how she shows she loves me is very different from most people. Often when it appears she does not care, it is that she does not understand. One time I asked her, "Do you still love me?" She said, "I don't know." Most people would be hurt by that. But I know she needs to think about it. Three days later she says, "I thought about it and I love you." It was sweet that she thought about it for three days.
It is also important to build a support system that is not centered around an autistic person. In a sense, you are the parent and so you can have a good relationship with them, love them and get happiness from them, but the autistic person may not be able to give you the emotional support you need when you really need it. I have friends and sisters who I can talk to and are very supportive. I have also learned that when I am down I can ask her for things to tell her to do things I need to feel better. She may not recognize my emotions and figure out what I need on her own, but she is will to do things that help my emotion when I ask for them. That is a big difference in autistic relationship, you are the 'parent' you will have to ask for what you need in a way they will understand.
I have had depression for years before I met my wife. I have learned that good self-care habits are important, even when you are in a good relationship with a loving, neuro-typical partner. So it is even more important with an autistic partner. Eat healthy, get sleep, get outside for walks, find things, people and activities that give you energy rather than drain energy. For me I enjoy teaching and mentoring people. That is very rewarding for me and even though it is a lot of work I always feel good after. I also enjoy building and fixing things around the house. Having good self care routine is very important for my emotional health.
Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own ~ H. Jackson Brown
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