夫婦情感

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別墅

積分: 738


發表於 04-4-17 03:35 |顯示全部帖子

stay or separate? please help

I was married with him three years ago because of pregnancy. Now my daughter is 2-year-old and I am thinking of leaving him, of course I want my daughter.

He is a traditional Chinese "潮州人" while I am a non-traditional woman. We have a big gap in education, family background. But I won't use this as excuses because I know this when I first met him. What I am fed up with is how he and his family treats me and my family verbally.

In his eyes, I have nothing good at all. I don't know why he always convert my strengths into weakness. He always make me feel like I am 一無事處, He never said something to please me. He never asks me how I feel. But he thinks I am very manipulative. I lose myself in front of him.
I AM NOT ME. He wants me to be submissive but I am not that kind of person. When we have an arguement, he would break something or throw something to release his anger. He always scolds me in diirty words. When I want to talk to him, he complains that I am 好煩 or he will just fall asleep. So I write him letter to tell him how I feel and what I want from him. but he will misinterpret everything in the letter. The Communication is very poor.

We live in a small flat but he has 4 aquarium tanks and over 20 plants. When I complain about this, he will show me a long face but does nothing about it. And he plans to buy more back.

He thinks he contributes a lot to the family but I don't agree. we both work -- I leave home at 7:00 am and return home at 6 pm . He works from 9 to 9. I have to take my work back home aned I have to take care of everything at home. I always spend hours to accompany my daughter everyday but he wouldn't. What he does at home is his fish tank, plants, internet, TV or sleep. I think we can't afford another child but he always wants another one. He wants a SON. But He does not want to spend time to look after his children. He said it's woman's work.

He doesn't appreciate what I have done for him. For example, I knit a scarf for him but he just put it in his drawer and won't use it even in the coldest day. He doesn't like to me tp dress-up myself. He doesn't want me to talk to men. He doesn't like me to go out with people he doesn't know.

What's more is he doesn't trust me. He always think I do something to betray him. After having sex, he said that I am quite dry --> just like I have had sex for many times. You know this really hurts me. And he just cares about how he feels.

Actually, BB only sees him when he comes home at 11- 12 pm if she hasn't slept.

So if you were me, what would you do?





caly


大宅

積分: 4008


發表於 04-4-17 07:44 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

caly,

I don't want to hurt your feeling. You shouldn't have married this man in the first place. Some men are very understanding, appreciative, loving & caring. I am lucky I find one. It's very hard to live with a man like your husband. You just married for 3 years. But what could u do? Dump him? No one can teach u what to do because we don't bear the consequences, u do. Think it through & talk it through with your hubby. Hopefully he understands your feeling & has a big change. I know it's hard. Good luck.


複式洋房

積分: 183


發表於 04-4-17 09:39 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

If I were you, given I was totally disappointed by my hubby and no more expectation from him, I'd try to sort things out from my daughter's point of view. Is it better for her to have a dad like this, if yes, I'll try some more effort to stay together to let her have a "complete" family. Otherwise, divorce maybe a better choice.

By the way, find someone to talk to, it helps, Good Luck! :-(


男爵府

積分: 5992


發表於 04-4-17 17:36 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

I'm sorry hearing this. In fact, no one can make decision for you. But, If I were you ... If I tried my best but still could not communicate with my closest one, then I would leave him. Of course, I would prepare everything, both financially and psychologically. First of all, I must be able to earn sufficient money for living (for myself and my daughter). Second, I should prepare myself to stand firm if my husband beg me for return (I think most men would do this even if he does not love you anymore, they need FACE).

I suggest you to seek more advice from professionals, like social worker.

Good luck and hope you hear good news from you again.


別墅

積分: 738


發表於 04-4-17 20:01 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

Thank you

Actually, today is my daughter birthday so I will just let her have a happy birthday party first. Moreover, I have told him about how I feel in a few sentences and I wonder if he could understand. He did say sorry to me and this what he usually does. He would just thinks that I am unreasonable and if he say sorry, everything will become fine.
caly


洋房

積分: 201


發表於 04-4-18 19:01 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

I sympathize with you. But I am glad to hear that your husband said sorry to you. at least this shows that he cares about you and the relationship.


別墅

積分: 592


發表於 04-4-18 22:13 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

Dear Caly,

No one will happy to read your story, right. But I thought most of us would not agree you to make any decision without thinking. I know it's hard to make a such decision about such situation.

We are all outsider. Our opinion not the main reason/excuse to let you make any decision. Think about...
[1] your little baby
[2] why did you get marry with this guy?
[3] why did you love him before?
[4] after you both separated, who take care the baby?
[5] Do you want your baby has a single-parent family?
[6] Do you all talk about this in peace?


複式洋房

積分: 120


發表於 04-4-18 22:40 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

Dear Caly,

I just watch a TV programme 7:00pm this evening in ATV. The husband married his wife long time ago and they have 3 kids. Then, he got a girl friend later and borned a little girl. Somehow, two families lived together in big disaster and finally, the "second wife" died in cancer. The husband was so sad and his other friend got him to a christian church. The husband believed in God and he took his first wife to church as well.

The ending of the story is that the husband confessed for what he had done and his wife and all kids became christians. God's blessing arrived their family and they always praise God about the miracle.

The ending could be ended with tears or happiness. I inspire with the programme very much.

DoDomami


洋房

積分: 176


發表於 04-4-18 22:51 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

It takes 2 to work things out in relationships, and seems to me that your husband is not making an effort at all, despite the fact that you've told him how you feel etc.
I think you have to think what's best for your daughter, of course, for you.
Can you take it any longer? Do you still love this guy? Most important thing is, do you think you can stay with this guy for the rest of your life? Is he really the one for you?
Only you can answer all these quetions.

It's good to talk to someone you feel comfortable with too.

Hope this help. Best of luck!
Be your true mind


別墅

積分: 738


發表於 04-4-19 22:18 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

Thanks you all

I have talked to my sister about it and she also thinks that it is a good idea if I leave him for a short while to see how I feel.

You know my husband took our daughter to his family for a whole day (from 11:30- 10:30 pm) to celebrate her biethday. He didn't call me and he didn't realize how bad the situation is. And last night he didn't try to solve the problem and just fell asleep. (but he did check his fish first)

I haven't talked to him for quite a long time but he didn't think there is anything wrong. He just called to asked if he has anything to eat for dinner, nothing more or less.

I talked to one of my old friends and figured that I may need to go out for more private time and lead my own life --> just have some normal social life. I haven't met those old friends for a year or so. They said they dare not call me because of my husband.

One thing I am sure at this moment is I won't have another baby with him, giving a reasonable explanation. And I will try to talk to him, telling him what I really expect from this relationship, not money but more communication and cares. I can't hide my feeling and I have to find myself. If he can't accept who I am, I won't pretend to be submissive.

IF it doesn't work, I would have no choice but leave him. Sometimes I just think a full-time housewife is more suitable for him. I am not the right person.

:-(
caly


複式洋房

積分: 398


發表於 04-4-22 10:52 |顯示全部帖子

Re: stay or separate? please help

Hi Caly,
從字裡行間看得到你對你hasband相當不滿, 相信你自己心裡都有答案, 對嗎?
你清楚地知道自己須要什麼, 還有什麼猶豫呢?
相信無論你做什麼決定, 你都一定能處理得好!
God bless you!
:-P :-P

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